Trigger #1 - hopelessness
When all hope is lost, so does your control over your addiction.
The times when I had no hope were the times I struggled the most with pornography. Watching was a way to zap my dopamine levels so I had the feeling of hope. In reality, the relapse sunk me into a deeper state of hopelessness, and I was worse off than before.
A day of hopelessness would look like the following. First I would read the news. One day in 2024, there was a terrorist attack that killed 149 and injured 609 people in the Crocus City Hall in Moscow. While just a single person dying is painful to hear, 149 in one day sent me into a despair. I remember reading the article seeing the several stories of the terrorists yelling in Allah’s name. They used AK-47’s, pistols, knives, and slit the throats of their opponents which they deemed were the “infidel.”
This news story generated a rage in me towards Islam and the terrorist of that day. It made me question God and his abilities to protect the innocent against the forces of evil. I also entered a state of hopelessness where I thought this world was coming to ruin. I thought there was no hope for society, I thought there was no hope for the government, no hope for family, for friends, etc. I was sent into a spiral and I needed a release. My release of choice was pornography, and so I relapsed as an escape.
In short, here was issue:
Bad news report
Read more about the victims, read more bad news that happened that day
Felt the initial inflow of despair
Tried to control the outcome of the bad news (reality check, I can’t)
Spiraled and needed a release
Relapsed to porn
When reflecting back on this day, here is a potential solution that I should have considered:
Bad news report
Put down my phone, begin to pray for the victims and families affected
Realize that I can’t control what bad things happen in the world, release control over those situations, and trust God with them no matter how bad the outcome is.
Seek hope in the cross of Jesus Christ, His sacrifice, and His love for humanity - even dying for those terrorists who killed the 149 people.
Let God restore my broken heart. Not porn.
Reach out to a trusted friend or family member. Talk the situation through with them and let them in on my temptation to enter despair.
Hopefully, you may see that there is always a second option to a hopeless situation. You do not have to go down a spiraling path of depression and despair. There are opportunities for healing in the darkest situations that you may face. We are all given a choice in those dark moments. Will we choose the light or choose to walk in the darkness. Learn from my mistake, it was never a good idea to indulge in my addiction of porn in moments of hopelessness. Maybe for you it is drugs, alcohol, gambling, sleeping around, etc. Regardless of your addiction, you have a choice when you recognize a hopeless situation. God is good. Some days, it takes a little more effort to see His goodness through the sinfulness of man.
To this day, I have since been 1 year sober of pornography. I no longer have this rage in my heart towards Islam or those terrorists. I have learned to bless and not curse, and desire that they come to Jesus as Lord and Savior because Jesus died on the cross for them too. I have taken a humble approach to controlling situations I cannot control and giving God my moments of when I feel a lack of hope.
If you can’t find hope in this dark moment, know that Jesus has hope for you that you will turn to Him. Amen.
